Carolyn Hax: Lying, cheating ex begs to apologize in person. Say yes? -

Dear Carolyn: My soon-to-be-ex-husband spent the better part of the last year lying to me about everything, from when he was going to the grocery store to having an affair. He recently confessed that he felt the need to lie in order to maintain his independence. To make it (MUCH) worse, he then gaslighted me all the time. When I would catch him in a lie, he would blame me for being jealous or controlling or imagining things. His behavior crushed my spirit, my self-confidence and our marriage.

With several months of hindsight, he’s contacted me claiming that he realizes how terrible his behavior was and how awful he feels for treating me so badly. He wants to get together, claiming he wants to apologize in hopes that we could become friends, because he misses me.

He hurt me to the core. I’ve spent months in therapy dealing with the PTSD of his emotional abuse. And I am in a much better place. He’s pleading for an opportunity to show me that he’s processed all his emotions and is ready to make amends. I’m skeptical; I’m protective of the recovery I’ve made.

For a few days, I fantasized that he might be SO genuine that we could repair and renew our relationship. Now I realize that’s my codependent nature wanting to save a relationship at any cost.

I don’t want to hate him for the rest of my life, but I also realize his track record is that of a liar and manipulator. How do I decide whether to risk my recovery in hopes of receiving both validation of my pain and possibly his regret or remorse, which might grease my forgiveness? Or whether to let him fester in the mess he has made and just keep moving on in the right direction, alone, away from his abuse, toward my self-confidence and independence?

— Repair the Damage?

Repair the Damage?: If he were genuinely interested in your well-being, then he would offer an apology and amends that require nothing of you. Zero. In other words, you would already have the apology and amends from him in a form that didn’t require you to respond in any way because it was for you entirely.

Instead, he wants something out of it for himself — your forgiveness, your presence, your attention, your gift of a get-out-of-abuse-jail-free card. This is a transaction for his benefit, not for yours, meaning he is not recovered either miraculously or through hard work. He has just transitioned his manipulation to a new phase, the “I looove you, I neeed you, I was so so very wrong, but I’m cured now, come back and let me keep using you to make myself feel better” phase.

So [small threaded hardware] that. Accept his invitation to hear his apology as the apology itself. “Got it, thanks, glad you’re doing better, and no, I won’t meet you. If you need me, contact me through [attorney’s name].”

You don’t have to “hate him for the rest of my life.” Just see him as someone who doesn’t have your back, doesn’t hold others’ needs as equal to his own, and uses lies and manipulation to cover up those failures.

Then choose to live your life hereafter in a place beyond his reach. You’ve certainly earned that peace.

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